1 – Coolest. Epic.
Hero. Ever.
What did Harry Potter do? Shoot sparkles from a stick. What
did Spider-Man do? Silly string across the city. What did Beowulf do? Kill a
monster by ripping its entire arm off, then slaughter that monster’s mother in
an underwater lair, then die while slaying a friggin dragon. Your move, Skywalker.
“The monster’s whole
body was in pain, a tremendous wound
appeared on his shoulder. Sinews split
and the bone-lappings burst.”
(Lines 814-817)
2 – If Aquaman could
Actually Do Anything
So Beowulf has this huge fight with Grendel’s mom, where he slices
her up with a huge sword that he found in her lair. That’d be cool enough, but
to add to the coolness, he does it all WHILE UNDERWATER. That means he won what
was probably at least a 8-minute fight holding his breath. Also, he has a whole
narrative of swimming out at sea for days, just killing random sea monsters.
Like, nine sea monsters in a night.
3 – Beowulf takes
People’s Arms as Trophies
Kinda makes your 4th grade soccer trophy where
they spelled your name wrong seem pretty dumb, right?
4– Permanent Bachelor
Let’s be honest, a fighter this good could have his pick of
every queen or barwench in all of the North Germanic Tribes. Instead, he’s just
polite to all the queens of his buddies and is too busy killing dragons to get
married. And if there’s anything that’s super masculine, it’s being respectful
to women.
5 – Comeback King
“You killed your own kith and kin,
so for all your cleverness and quick tongue,
you will suffer damnation in the depths of hell.
The fact is, Unferth, if you were truly
As keen or courageous as you claim to be
Grendel would never have got away with
such unchecked atrocity, attacks on your king,
havoc in Heorot and horrors everywhere.
but he knows he need never be in dread
of your blade making a mizzle of his blood
or of vengeance arriving arriving ever from this quarter”
(Lines 587-597)
OH SNAP SON.
6 – Transportation
For Beowulf, coming over to help out Hrothgar wasn’t just a
5 minute walk from home. He came over with 14 soldiers, on boat, after a day.
Heck, he could’ve just swam over and murdered the Loch Ness Monster while he
was at it. Beowulf can do that.
“When he heard about Grendel, Hygelac’s thane
was on home ground, over in Geatland.
There was no one else like him alive…
He ordered a boat
that would ply the waves. He announced his plan:
to sail the swan’s road and search out that king,
the famous prince who needed defenders.”
(Lines 194-201)
7 – He Neither Wants to
or Accidentally Accomplishes Killing Any of his Relatives
Apparently, in this time, there were several gamily members
who were either thinking of overthrowing his cousin for control of the Danish
lands (Hrothulf) or accidentally killed his brother when shooting a bow and
arrow (Haethcyn). Being an only child probably helped in that, but even so.
8 – Alliteration is
Cool Now
“They have seen me bolstered in the blood of enemies
when I battled and bound five beasts,
raided a troll-nest and in the night-sea
slaughtered sea-brutes.”
(Lines 419-422)
What does the word “bolstered” mean? Did they really have
trolls? What’s the difference between a day-sea and a night-sea? I don’t know,
but I do know that it sounds pretty awesome.
9 – People just Write
Songs about Beowulf
“Meanwhile, a thane
of the king’s household, a carrier of tales,
a traditional singer deeply schooled
in the lore of the past, linked a new theme
to a strict metre. The man started
to recite with skill, rehearsing Beowulf’s
triumphs and feats in well-fashioned lines,
entwining his words.”
(Lines 866-873)
$20 says it was to the tune of Carry On My Wayward Son and
had doves on fire flying around him.
10 – His Name
Because out of all the names in this entire poem, Beowulf is
both the least confusing and most pronounceable (see Hrunting, Herebeald,
Heardred, Ecgtheow, and Hrethric for contrast points)
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