What Women Want (And how it Won’t get you Killed after you Raped a Girl)

So you’ve found yourself in this oddly specific situation. Luckily, due to the recent power shift in the ruling family, a new law has been put in place so that you can actually get away from raping someone scot-free (which, all things considering, is actually really horrific.)

You may be surprised at how many rapists are able to escape their punishments, without the need of a queen’s royal pardon. Statistics show that only 40% of rapes actually get reported, and that only 3% of rapists will actually spend a full day or over in prison.

            It is often disturbing how some try and defend rapists in court. In one case, where an 11-year old girl was raped by 20 men and teenagers, the defense attorney likened the victim and the men involved to “the spider and the fly,” implying that she drew them in purposefully. These men were found guilty, but the fact that such arguments for defense are used in these cases is disturbing.

Rape has been becoming more and more topical towards politics. For example, Terry McAuliffe, who ran a negative campaign against opponent Ken Cuccinelli for his stance on abortion based on rape, won the recent gubernatorial election in Virginia.

And now, in this case, a knight is able to evade a death sentence – and you can too! In accordance with the queen’s legislation, the new rule states that you can get a royal pardon if you can say exactly what women want. Previous studies have shown popular answers such as “(We) should be cosseted and flattered.” (Chaucer 283) To help with this dilemma, our staff has gone through a wide variety of women in different fields, in order to give you a selection of possible answers.

“Your order, sir. You’re holding up the line.”

Starbucks Barista

Age 26

“Equality with men in my field of work”

Overly Optimistic Corporate Executive

Age 34

“To be oft widowed and remarried” (Chaucer 283)

Professional Cougar

Age 45

“Freedom [to do whatever I want!]” (Chaucer 283)

Inmate

Age 25

“Rooooaaaarr!”
Wrong Type of Cougar

Age 3 in Cougar Years

“Gorgeous Clothes!” (Chaucer 283)

College Student

Age 19

“You to stop spending time with so many other women and help me raise our child, you selfish ass!”

My Tramp of a Wife

Age 666

“How much you got?”

A Prostitute

Age 37

“I’ll tell you, but first you’ll have to do a random favor for me that I can call in at any time! Mwahahaha!”

A Smelly Old Woman we found in the Woods

Age Unknown

WORKS CITED

"Reporting Rates | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network." Reporting Rates | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. RAINN, 2009. Web. 06 Nov. 2013. <http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/reporting-rates>.

Campbell, Andy. "Gang-Rape Victim Compared By Texas Defense Attorney To 'Spider' Who Lured In Jared Len Cruse, Suspects." The Huffington Post. TheHuffingtonPost.com, 28 Nov. 2012. Web. 06 Nov. 2013. <http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/28/gang-rape-victim-jared-len-cruse_n_2205190.html>.

Chaucer, Geoffrey. "The Wife of Bath's Tale." Canterbury Tales. The Norton Anthology of English Literature: The Major Authors. Ed. Stephen Greenblatt. 8^th ed. New York: Norton, 2006. 226-234.

O'Malley, Nick. "Christie Paves Way for 2016 White House Bid." Http://www.smh.com.au. The Sydney Morning Herald, 06 Nov. 2013. Web. 06 Nov. 2013. <http://www.smh.com.au/world/christie-paves-way-for-2016-white-house-bid-20131106-2x0zp.html>.